Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
