Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
