dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Two words: nipple clamps
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