is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
