Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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