Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
