dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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