I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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