dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
