i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
