I accidentally had phone sex last night
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
