All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
