i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
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And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
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We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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