Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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