I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
