So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
