pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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