If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
