Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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