I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
