im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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