You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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