She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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