I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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