I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
