I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
