She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
