He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
