i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
