Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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