HIV tests are more positive than that guy
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
