I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
