i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
