the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
