Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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