i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I am mentally ready for anal.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
