I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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