Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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