we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
