In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
