Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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