you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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