My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
