Umm I'm too high to move.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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