i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
