do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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