____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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