It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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