Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
