i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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