Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
