your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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