I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
