I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
