just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
