I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
