i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Who died my cat blue again?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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